well, met him today cos basically realli feelin bored..feel happy and realli miss him alot after 2 days of nt meeting! hees..but actually realli do us gd..cos i dun wanna quarrel tt much anymore..went to find mark at spinelli today~ drank latte! nice! hees..anyway, been havin gastric since morning..fuckin cant eat my dinner today cos realli no appetite..nvm i need to slim down anyway cos i am gettin fatter again already..! hees..well.. tmr wont be meetin him again cis it's thurs, it's ok, i got my dear frens =) haha somehow, listen to a song tt sharon sent me..the lyrics i realli love it..somehow i feel like telling wat i am listening, haha somehow feel tt wat he wan, i wont be able to give..and i think he wans happiness but guess i can nv able to give..well..r we meant to be? i wont noe..and i dun wanna noe..cos i jus wanna be with him for the time being..even we r nt meant to be, but i dun wanna accept it, cos i realli wanna be with him..hees loves*! baby r u touchedd? baobeii my lovee! hees..

this week workin at tpy..sian! tommy told me the place is strict..ask me dun be late..but i am always late..*worried! haisss i realli tired of workin..but i wanna get money..and i wanna buy lots n lots of stuffs!!!! =)

well..tmr biz acc ica2..studied le..but scared tmr forget..now goin to help xiang with her bloggy! hees..cos she havin some probs..hees =) she is my silly baobao! haha =) ltr on at 11pm is brazil- ghana..i bet! =) my 1st time..lols i hope to win cos i am short of money..fucked up poor life right..nxt week got lots n lots of proj and test to due! fuck..i hate it! this weekend workin..i hope i can find time! oh ya..and i got to know my fucking major exam falls on my bday week! suckkk! got to celebarte belated one..hate it man!! nvm exam mah..mus work hard for it le..my results doesnt seems to be veri gd..esp. finance!! -_-"" tt gone case..

one philosophy lols..nv use excuses as a reason bcos reason can nv be a excuse..cool ? hahahha humans r like tt..always using excuse but claiming is a reason..well..tt's the nature of human..but as i said..nv ever go overboard cos it wont any nature at all already! hees..well..somehow..there alot i wish to say..but i noe watever said by me or whoever, nth will change..all of us r soo tired of the same things over n over again le! again..humans r like tt..lols humans realli do get tired so easy..guess baobeii oso get tired easily jus tt he always put a strong front cos he nv wan me to be sad..am i right? =)

well..some thoughts which i feel like writin down..wahahha..1st is abt relationship..well, got better with him already, nt bcos i love him more or wat..i still love him as much of cos..but then i dun tend to feel like quarreling with him anymore cos i dun feel anything le..somehow feel the numb in my heart..seriously, humans r strange! when they r attached, they always want to be single but once single, they wish to find a partner! well..i've been single b4 but i dunno will it be happier than attached..for some ppl, they feel when they r single, frens will be there for them! but for me, of cos i am nt sayin my frens wont be there for me! it's jus tt i will tend to feel more lonely, cos somehow i always find hard to date frens out..tt's y i always say i need him..but i love him or i need him more? ..i asked myself b4..seriously i dun find an ans..i love him..but i dunno if i need him more than i love him..somehow..i felt puzzled and wish to find an ans soon too..wat if the ans is i need him more than i love him? i feel so unfair to him? but will i break up with him? i dunno y..i somehow feel like taking a break..nt bcos i hate him..but maybe more of hating myself?? i felt veri tired, tired of this life of mine! i somehow couldnt take it of how i feel of my life..i feel so suck and fucked up!! i wish to figure out wat i wan in life, but i always jus cant..didnt noe the reason..well..i dunno y..i felt so stress up abt almost everything when actually it's so simple..i wish to be alone, to think, to do, but when i am alone, i feel lonely..i suck, am i? ya definitely! i wish to be with him to share my happiness and sadness with him, but when i am with him, i dunno y everything is like diff..i dun realli wish to say anything abt my life..i jus played and crap with him! it doesnt mean i dun love him anymore, baby i love u dun misunderstood wat i mean, but it's jus my emo, i jus dun feel like telling ANYONE abt my things.! seriously i think i am bursting soon..i hatee my life..i dunno y..but i jus hate it so much!! sorry baby, if u think i am bein selfish, i wont blame u, but i realli cant figure out wat i wan and wat i dun wan anymore..i told u b4..and i realli realli meant it, i am nt the one u knew anymore, i am not the meiqi in the past anymore and i jus cant be myself anymore! the smiles, the cheerful parts of me seems so fake, cos somehow i felt so upset deep deep in my heart and i couldnt take it out..nt bcos of u, but lots n lots of things in my life

well..i always tell ppl..dun envy others..and nw i am always being envious of ppl..i always told baobeii tt others r so pretty, y cant i be as attractive as them? i always doll up, cos i wish to be attractive as them..but i always failed tts the worst lols..failure forever! i always envy ppl havin gd figure bcos i NV HAD GD FIGURE in my life b4, short, fat, small brest, small butt..! failure forever again.. well..i envy ppl for lots n lots of things..and nw i always envy my frens who can dance well and proud of themselves! i wish to learn so much..i finally reveal the truth to eileen, i envy her, i envy yanping, i envy nicole, i jus envy all my frens who dance well and envy them for bein able to fufil the dreams of bein a dancing queen which i always wanted to be since young!! i feel suck! i seriously feel so! i feel lousy, i feel fucked up! i feel INFERIOR! FUCK tts nt like me? but all this thoughts, i nv show to ppl b4..even for baobeii! i always keep it to myself, if nt, to blog..but of cos i noe ppl do c my blog..but thats their eyes, i cant control, this blog is onli to make me feel better after writin out wat i always wish to write..

ok back to topic..as a fren, i dunno..i am also a failure as a fren! if u r gd to me, i will treat u wholeheartedly! i am someone easily got influenced, easily got cheat and easily got hurt..well..since young, nv had a gd frenship b4..been cryin so much for frens all my life..i dunno..issit my attitude suck? well i realli dunno..but no matter how bad my attitude is, i noe tt's my character..but i treat u truely..ok for some frens, mayb is my retribution, but i'm nt the one at total fault, i dun deny i am at fault..i feel so hurt at tt point in time..fuck tts painful..but u all jus simply push EVERYTHING to me..nvm it's ok..i jus take it le..cos everything's over..another one, i dunno if she noe she's the one, i treat u realli as my best fren, i always listened to u, always give in to u, it's nt bcos i wan u to think i am a dog, pls i am nt..cos i dun wish to spoil the frenship between us..but one day when i know everything, do u noe the pain? guess u will nv noe..and nw wat, i dunno am i dumb or wat..but after chattin with u for some times, i somehow forgive u..somehow dun wish to blame u..nvm there r more to say abt my sec sch life..it's over, i dun wish to talk..frens prob, i have lots more to say, jus tt it's realli nv endin~ for nw, i love my gang =) cos i noe they realli love me..thanks all!

well..seriously, y mus fren do hurtful things to one another..humans r jus so strange! i realli couldnt understand why..in life, it's jus like this.. well..somethings musnt go overboard..ppl do realli get tired and totally feel dead..i am dying soon le..sadd life..humans jus like to say others when they themselves make the same mistakes! even i'm like tt, but i jus feel tt it's normal to be like this, but if do it too overboard, isn't it extreme? i guess, at tt moment, hatred will be caused! well..this is my philosphy of LIFE! learn frm xiang to talk abt philosophy! =)

today finally got a day with baby! haha i woke up at 12 then he came at 12plus..went to have lunch together then go to suntec take phone..after tt go to orchard shaw to pass back the phones to another promoter.he suck! so enthu in workin and dun wan pack food for sally! damn bad he is! so i help sally to da pao mac's fries..hees after tt went to MC cafe with baby and slack there! took alot silly pics there haha..enjoyed for sometimes..couldnt finish my mocha! haha but it's nice..he loves he double choc oso =)) hees! after tt went to walk for a while then go back home! and now..haven had my dinner yet cos i have no appetite at all! fucked up tooth i got..the wisdom tooth is comin out! and i am dead! the pain's killin me! DAMN!!

OK! TTS ALL! HOLS ENDIN! july coming! meaning aug coming! aug coming! meaning my bday coming! fuck! my bday coming meaning....................................FUCKING EXAM COMING! FUCKED UP LIFE!! DAMN MY LIFE!! haha =)) brazil won! but =(( jap lose! haiss it's ok..at least i love brazil still =)) ronaldinho!! fucking CUTE!! lovesss!

did i make the right choice? i miss him.

i feel lonely..i feel sad..i am jus a loner and a poor ger with no money..fucked up life i am havin!!

ok sat sun shd be his competition but postpone..i dunno y..and i dun wanna noe..so his day is for me..we met in the afternoon..has our lunch at foodcourt..again i didnt finish my food..then after tt actually intending to buy 4D but then the queue was fuckingggggg long! haha this is the 1st time saw such a long queue at 4D there..but most of them are to bet for worldcup i guess..so we give up..go bugis..shopping! ok on the way, quarreled again.as usual lols..at bugis, bought a pair of shoe i wanted to buy few days ago..hees hope i'll wear it lols but i seriously like it la cos it's so sweet..hees..then went shopping..saw alot NICE STUFFS! erm i saw 1 checkered(dunno issit spell like this) 3/4 short, like it damn long but baobeii stop me frm buyin cos i got no money left le..hais so disappointingly, i have to leave..cos seriously i got alot bottom now le..hais..then saw quite a few nice skirts, esp one which i realli love it..but...again..he pull me away and i have to leave the skirt SADLY!! but i realli love it man..hais saw a few tops, i wish to buy but nv say out cos i noe it's a NO to baobeii.he cfm wont allow me to use my card de..hais..so in the end jus bought the pair of shoe and 3 pairs of ear stud! love the ear studss, DAMN SWEET AND PRETTY =)) hees! so sadly, i leave bugis without buying the 3/4 short i love, and the skirt i love oso! hais!! wishhh tooo gooo backkk sooo muchhhh can i? =(( haisssss money! guess i realli spend alot on shopping tt day at orchard le =((

so after tt on the way back to yishun frm bugis, lols quarrel again wahaha..but then again ok liao lols..then went to yishun 200+, bought my photo programme, and some games! hees went home, steamboat! hees, advance celebratin fathers' day with my family and my baby =) hees! ate ALOTTTT! fuckkk man! WAT A FATASS I AM! FEEL SO DISGUISTED AFTER EATIN SO MUCH!! got to realli slim down! haiss.. after dinner..played game till 3am lols! then zzzz.!

today 18/6, actually meeting him at northpoint with his bro to eat lunch..but change of plan..went his hse to eat maggi mee! cos i realli got no more money left for the month..awaitin for 1st jul ! pls come, i onli left 10+dollar for the month le =(( how pathethic i am! WTH! so again, nv finish my mee, gave him the left over..then sit beside him and his bro playin PS2..then played with my hair(haha as in keep tying diff hair styles), then i became tired! so i go to his bed and SLP! hahah then when i wake up i on his comp and use! until now he's still playin with his bro..hahaha end of my story! =)

oh ya lastly, HAPPY FATHERS' DAY! DADDY I LOVE U LOADSS! THANKS FOR ALL THE THINGS TT U HAVE DONE FOR ME, ER JIE AND OF COS DA JIE! I LOVE ALL OF U!

ok fine, after a taLK with him yday..dun find any diff in our love at all..lols still as bland..the feelings aint tt strong still..lols..chat with yanlin jus now..talk abt out views in relationship, obviously both of us has diff views, but we dun blame each other, cos diff ppl always do have diff thinkings..hees..well..i somehow dunno y i felt so numb to this relationship of u n me..frm the startin i felt veri pain, felt veri sad felt veri hurt..till now, i feel lesser pain, feel nt as sad and hurt le..cos i dunno wat to comment on this relationship..yanlin said in a relationship, no matter how many quarrels or wat, as long as we r happy..so i agreed with this..and think abt it..am i realli happy? haha seriously i oso dunno the ans..at times i realli do feel bliss and happy..and at times i realli feel tt i wanna let go of it so much..not onli for the misery he caused to me..but oso for the misery i gave it to him..felt veri exhausted..veri tired of everythin..esp *mentally..we've been through lots of ups and downs..and we have our sweet moments too..but seems like all this dun realli help us? i once felt neglected so much when u havin ur tep and i need some1 to love and acc me so much..but u nv there for me..after smth happened which i dun wan mention, u tried and make me understand it..ok it's a test for us, i noe the loneliness u caused to me is nt wat u wan is nt ur fault..so i understand..i changed..changed to better..to instead show u more concern and love..it helps..but i seriously dunno if the change in me is gd or nt..cos after this change, i felt so regret, cos u take for granted so much so much..after tep, i expect u to give me more care more love..but nt as i expected..u neglect my feelings even more..nvm i tolerate everythin..i always keep it to myself..sad by myself..and at times i explode cos i couldnt take it..and i talked to u abt it..u apologised, u said u noe ur wrong and u realli treat me better..but u noe wat..everytime tt dun last long at all..sometimes i feel soo tired of it that i dunno how to continue with it..but i still wan it..cos i love u baby..do u understand? u may nt be the one i love the most in my life..but no matter wat happened..i always hold on to it cos for now, u're the one i realli love so much so much..i told yanlin i wanna go back to the past so much..i wan to BADLY..but this will nv happen! in every relationship, bein together for long, it will definitely not be as sweet as b4..but she said as long as we have it b4, it better than nth..ya i realli appreciate all the sweet moments and memories with u in the past, we talk abt it sometimes, and we became better after talkin abt the past..but as usual..the sweetness always fades after a while..i put in alot effort in this relationship, not onli this, the past relationships, i always put in, startin frm ky, i put in, but wats the result..gettin FUCKING du lan cos of his mum..i dun do anithin wrong..n i felt so insulted by her..i shd deserve better than tt..but i dun..then become leonard..i noe i do ky wrong..but sorry i cant continue with him, cos i cant take it, no matter how much i love him, i nv realli be happy b4..and then i put in my most most most effort in the relationship with leonard..even more than i put in with u baby, and wat i get, i am nt the ideal ger he wans..he gave me sweet memories too..i nv deny tt..but he gave me painful memories too..he jus like bein cold at times, and sometimes being so heart warming to me! i always tried so hard to salvage everything when i noe he wans to leave me..but in the end, the result aint wat i wan..cos he nv meant to be mine..and till nw seriously i still cant accept tt he's nv meant to be mine..he's the 1st one and still the one who made me tear so much for..for days..i dunno y..it's jus the chemistry, i jus love him more than i love any1 else..ok and it's over,i dun love him anymore..but then i still miss him alot..and always think so much abt the memories..the nxt 1 is with u, at 1st i dun put in alot effort to be with u cos i dun realli love u at all..is u, u r the one who always touched me with ur effort and sincere, and i became happier with u, u're the 1st guy who i feel tt i realli can get so well with..ur parents, my parents accepted..the 1st guy who came to my hse so oftenly and u r jus my husband already..the 1st guy who realli made me feel so bliss with u..but u noe wat..the bliss i'm holdin on now, seems to be going away from me already..i wan the bliss back..but it's so hard for me to pull it back..baobeii, love can be and should be beautiful..pls dun make my love ugly..i dun wish to, and i dun wanna to tear so much for another guy already..one is enough..baby i had enough already..i dun wanna continue like this..............not askin for break up here..but please do smth abt it..cos i am realli mentally exhasuted, and i couldnt take it anymore if we r going to continue be like this.. baby i jus wan ur heart =)) i love uu ("v")

we stoned for sometime! he asked me to think myself if i wanna buy or nt..so after some time of consideration i wanted to buy..and he keep stoppin me too..say wat waste money this n tt..so nvm lor..i dun wanna buy lor then i go..then he scold me say i throw temper..fuck..i veri angry n walk away..n guess wat he scold me again and ask me reflect on myself if is my fault or his! damn! he was the 1 who told me to consider MYSELF and he's the one who STOP me and i give in and he's the one who scold me 1st...ok after so much..he apologised and we make up again..haiss at tt moment, i realli realli feel like breakin up with him so much..i felt veri tired, be it mentally or physically..i jus feel so sux of everythin esp myself..i feel sad..i feel depressed..i wishh to be alonee..but i love him..*realli dunno how to carry on with my life.

hais dunno y this hols doesnt seem to be any hols to me..i dun have any mood to do anythin at all! wish to go alot places with my baby, but then we've got no money, and he got no time..this hols shd be full of time cos it's a short break for all of us but he take part in competiton and somehow i felt veri neglected..dunno y i feel tt gaming is a killer..it drift us apart..actually i noe, and i can feel even though he denys, frens, game will always replace my position in his heart..haiss how i wish i can go sun tannin with him like b4, how i wish i can go roller bladin with him like b4, how i wish i can go shopping so much like b4, how i wish we can go back to our honeymoon stage when everything is so sweet for us..i wish..i wish..i realli wish tt we nv change..but indeed, we do, the feelings no longer strong, the relationship no longer tasteful and nw it became so bland and weak..*unwanted anymore.

baby i jus wanna tell u i realli love u, but the care u giving me is no longer heart warming as b4 le..i need ur love so much so much...but u failed to give tt piece of care n concern to me.. =(
i wish to dance*like others do.wish to dance all my troubles away.wish to dance but,any1 wanna accept me as a dancer? i felt lousy. sux.

yday was my 19th monthsary with my baby boy! met him in the morning, went orchard and had our lunch..didnt manage to finish my food cos i am full already..then went shopping! had a shopping spree with him! bought a skirt, a short, a tube and a t shirt and 2 ear stud and 1 earring! watched a movie with him at cathay ceineplex, "slither"..it's thrilling and of cos fuckin disguisting. lols =) but overall enjoyed with him..baby i love you =)

today went sch in e morning, do finance proj..afternoon went amk to eat! met baobeii, after tt went bishan actually wanted to catch a movie but no have the show we wanted to watch..proceed to cathay causeway to watch "bench warmers"..it's a veri nice n funny show..laughed all the way frm the start till the end! nice show..i gave it 5stars! after tt went to baobeii hse..then went back my own hse..he played dota..i slp cos i nt feelin well again..vomited again..yucks. ok shall nt say more..gonna slp le if nt realli fever le!! steamboat this weekend with baobeii and my family to celebrate fathers' day! =)

well..fri is the last dayy of sch..class outing! lols. met up with baobeii after sch..he, me and classmates went along to cityhall!! went raffles city shop shop..lols..went to ate the free samples of hagan dazz with my gang! haha damn funny to see how my sister jiali kope tt sample..wth she use the chance when the person is nt lookin at her..haha! after tt..went suntec with my baby boy to collect phones for workin! actually intended to call the others after collect the phone n continue shoppin with them but baobeii complained abt his stiff neck and wanted to go hm early..so after collecting..went to have laksa and prata at the "high-class" kopitiam at suntec conventional hall! yummy but *eatin all these is a sin! i hate to be fat! ok after tt went to marina sq shop for a while..tried the blossom skirt again and find it realli nt fitting at all..saw 1 short..gonna buy it soon! lols.. went hm..at nite baobeii use comp to play games..i watched world cup with er jie for jus a while..and i went to slpp 1st..2am plus..and wth..my idiot boy wake me up jus to ask me go to slp to another side so he have space to slp oso..woke up at 8plus, bath and wake baobeii up..went to work together!

sat, sun..as usual..no life..workin days! ps starhub again! the heaven of workin place! SLACKK!! lovee the slackk dayss with joo ann, beatrice , wayne, kenneth, ken! haha there r other promoters still but then mainly these r the few who always slack lols! these 2 days realli made me broke! had pepperlunch for lunch for 2 days! lols..i spend more than $30 on food for the 2 days! sin! lols..went to shop durin work with joo ann at sat nite, saw the nice simple skirt at jus $15.20 ONLY!! damn!! the smallest size doesnt fit me n joo ann..it's jus too lose..so end up..didnt get the great deal..saddiiee! well..overall..enjoyed the work this week again! but again..nv meet target..guess gonna get sacked soon! =)

today, stuck att hmm! my baby boii is wokin today! ltr with er jie, meeting da jie, jie fu to golden mile and had dinner..baobeii will go there himself and meet us there ltr on!!
tmr is our 19th monthsary =) gonna have a shopping spree with baby boii!! think tmr will be a sinful day..cos i guess gonna have a sumptious dinner with himm! lovee him =) monthly by monthly, times flies and jus a while, frm our 1st monthsary to our 19th monthsary..isnt it a miracle..well..for alot ppl..they think we r a miracle =)

well..actually..after seein eileen's blog..there alot ppl i miss too!! miss my sweet orange so muchiie! miss my dearie aileen ong!! miss the days with sammie! miss the days with ah ber!! miss the days with sauming n gang! miss leonard, cannot say miss the days with him lols too imappropriate but indeed realli miss the days with him lols!! miss the happy dayss with myself and baobeii too!! miss the days with a ger who once hurt me but i realli dunno if i shd miss or nt..although we still talk but..haiss forget abt it..! miss the days with dorothea! miss the days talking with daniel! miss my guides junior! miss the enjoying moments with my poly classmates n gang! miss promoters when slacking with them!!! miss apple haha!! miss the days with da jie at hm!! miss dancing dayss in the past with yee xuan serena mas!! i jus miss all of them alot alot!!! muacks to all!

i tot i will regain my appetite today..but dunno y i seems to dislike food..bought a bun and 2siew mai today..but onli ate the bun..then lunch..bought 1 bowl of noodles..baobao(xiang) helped me eat around half of it..and i still didnt manage to finish the noodle..still left around 1/4..till nw..haven eaten anythin else..dun feel real hungry..nvm gd sign..i wish to be slimmer..i'm FAT..hate to be fat..hais rem in the past..the FATS in my body..made me so sad.. =( and all those fucking pimples stayed in my face and wont go cause me so much pain..as in emotional pain..not physical..i wont forget! the phobia is there..it jus wont go!! until now, i still think my complexion sux..i wanna have nice smooth fair skin..but..fucked up me to have a BAD complexion..WAT AN UGLY FREAK i am..argh gettin real irritated by myself..am i dumbbbb!!!!

*had a wonderful nice dream yday tt made me even depressed & upset..i dreamt of smth which i long to wan..and bcos it's jus a dream..its impossible..and i felt damn sad..hais y do i have such a dream..baobeii told me to stop holdin on..stop thinking abt it..it's over for long already..iknow..i of cos know its over..but i cant forget..i realli love and wish to *..i feel DAMN INFERIOR TO so so so many ppl do u noe tt!! how i wish i can join them so much!! mayb at the 1st place i shd nt even made this move..cos if i noe it will cause me so much pain..i will rather forget it..'sometimes wishes do come true"..sometimes only..how i hope my wish, my dream will be one of the sometimes..hais..my dreams r shattered..........i wan to dance like them..i realli wan and wish to..pls dun laugh at me..dun laugh at me for bein lousy..dun laugh at me for being so stupid to get upset abt this..but this is the fact..i nv forgotten the pain.. =(

any jus show a pic of me nw n past. c the diff..the amt of fats..i hate myself.

BEFORE

AFTER

think i said smth hurting to mum yday..sorry mummy.. =(

ok today..wake up early..still haven recover..feeling weak and look pale..drag myself to sch to have tt stupid biz law ica..fuckin hell..think i flunk it again..gd luck to me again! then after tt went to buy porridge to eat.. it's like the porridge is less than half of a normal container and i onli ate abit more than half of the porridge given..lols..and lasttt for the whole dayy! until home i ate 5% out of 100% of beehoon..jus drank milo and ate medicine slping soon! ok after lesson today..quarreled with tt jerk lols..i mean my baobeii and angry with him for damn long..oh ya..sorry my dear gers gang! i am toooo angry tts y fa pi qi and walk away!!! =) so i went to find my dearie aileen ong to complain for abt an hr..and i went away cos wanna avoid him but let him found me..so i ignore him all the way frm yck to my hse..and i finally open my mouth and ask him to go up..lols..then we r ok le..NT FUNNY RIGHT? haha i oso think so..siann..my life didnt get any better yet..hais how i wish my life could change to a better one..i wanna find the old me back..i wanna be happy!! i hope i can..haisss

well..seriously..i realli dunno wat got into me..suddenly..i jus feel sooo tired of my life..i jus hate myself..i hate to live..i dun wish to exist..i dunno y..i feel like a burden to every 1 i know..i feel tt every1 in the world hates me..i know i shd not think like this..but i think i realli on the verge to the stage of depression le..i cant take it..cant takee the feelings i am feeling now..am i dumb? am i idiot? i am loved by ppl but y doesnt i have tt feeling? i realli getting to hate myself to the max already..on the verge to go mad. i feel so disguisted by myself..feel so fat! feel so ugly! feel so stupid! feel so idiotic! feel so lousy! i jus feel all the fucking negative things..*envy others.. i wish to dance like others do..i love to..but too bad..blame it on my lousiness..i wish to doll up like others do..too bad..blame it on my ugly face and fat body..no matter how much dolling i am still ugly and disguisting..

well nth to say le..all my emo entries these few days...oh ya..coming tues is my 19th monthsary with baobeii le..cant believe we can reach tt long when both of us actually quarreled for dunno how many billions times..i lovee him =) wonder whr can we celebrate our 19th monthsary =)

find the top part boring? ya i think soo..haiss..my life is boring wat..tts y borin lor..ok sat sun worked at pc show with apple! =) nice workin with her..enjoy! but this week didnt slack lor..i chiong man..but the ppl there r onli going mad for MAXONLINE..out of 10, mayb onli 2 wanna get a phone..and my sales sux..i was supposed to clear stock..but sad to say..hais..felt so stress up these 2 days..no slack but no sales..fucked up me..haiss!!! so 2nd day around 7plus..we all gave up..went shopping for things at 7.55pm with apple and joo ann..hees got an ipod earphone at onli $4!! great deal man..bcos it's ending..they wnana sell at $5..then i still go bargin till $4..typical auntie -> me! ..well quarreled with him..AGAIN i noe..lols without fail..bu after he saw wat i buy for him..he smiled..but i still cant be happy..still..i dun find the effort in him tryin to cherish me, and also the relationship..felt so upset n soo depressed.. haiss..i realli cant be meiqi anymore..i cant find the happiness in my life.......

ok today..i was fuckin tired. as if i am a zombie walkin around..i looked at the mirror..i fucking wanna kill myself..hate myself SO MUCH!! hate my face, hate my FAT body..hate the feeling in my heart.. went sch.went lesson.went lec with baobeii. went hm. went slp. fucked up life .

*i still cant forget watever happened when i saw ................... =( i realli feel so lousy..i feel so so so so INFERIOR.. i feel so so so so sux! ppl r pretty..ppl r cute..ppl r adorable..ppl have nice clothes, ppl have everything nice..ppl r gentle, ppl r slim, ppl r happy, ppl have their dreams fufiled..but WHY CANT I JUS HAVE ALL THESE! i wish to be pretty as them, wish to have MANY nice clothes like them, wish to be as gentle as them, most impt wish to be as slim as them, wish to be HAPPY like them..and of cos..how i wish my dreams is true..i wanna be wat i wish to be..but can i? INFERIOR TO OTHERS =( sobx..

oh ya, told apple abt my past sad life..told apple abt my fucked up life with few frens and onli him..i can c her effort in makin me her fren..i feel so happy n realli touched..thanks =)